Samantha Unravels

On the verge of tears for who knows what reason, I am alone. I come back to an empty suite, like I do every day. I really don’t have that much of a life. I’ve been ditched by everyone.

I usually don’t mind. I have closed myself off to most people. I feel like I can’t trust anyone so I’m having a little bit of a difficult time with my own feelings. I am independent. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want a relationship because I don’t believe in true love (at the moment, maybe I’ll change my mind but who knows). Nothing ever works out for me in that realm anyway. I’m just living. I’ve been focusing on school more but on nights like this when I actually have time to hang out and everyone leaves early, it’s hard. Because I realize how alone I am and I’m not ready to face the sadness yet. I’m not ready to accept that I don’t have anyone truly close to me anymore. Maybe I just feel like no one really cares about me. I’m easily forgotten. I do have a lot of close friends, but I’m still alone most of the time, and I have liked it sometimes. But it’d be nice to have someone when you don’t want to feel so alone and so hopeless.

Today has been weird. I’ve felt so strange. Something’s going to happen. I just know it. I don’t know when and I don’t know what, but something big is going to happen in my life this semester. Right now, maybe I should go to bed. Maybe I’m overtired.

This is an important date in my life’s history. 6 years ago today Neal, my ex-bf and best friend, asked me to be his girlfriend. a few days earlier, he asked me to go to Winter Ball with him. I liked him a lot and couldn’t believe he asked me! (I wore a red dress and gold-ish flats.) I had just gotten my haircut. I got bangs. He didn’t recognize me at school the next day. We have been on and off since, usually breaking up for a significant amount of time and then being together for double that. We’ve had our problems, especially in the past year, but he has always been there whenever I need him. Yes, he has ruined a couple could-be relationships, but he’s always there. These boys aren’t. He knows my weird food habits, how my brain works, what music I’ll like, what I find funny, he cares about my family, he cares about me (he tells me it’s more than anything). But today, January 8th is an important day in the life of this Samantha. How do I feel about it right now? I don’t know. But we’ll see what happens on this interesting anxiety Tuesday.

(I have the next two days off after tonight thank GOD)

I am actually feeling good about myself today. I am in a relatively good mood. My hair is down and straightened and I am in love with it. My lips are pink. I’m wearing the disco pants with my new favorite shirt.

I just have this feeling. And I can’t shake it.

Yesterday and last night were very strange. And I have a certain feeling about it. I’ve been right about so many things recently, that I’m kind of spooked. But we’ll see. I am finally okay in my mind and am accepting of what will come and what will probably not happen. I am not upset, I am apathetic to it, really. I am so used to things not working out that I almost feel like it’s working out exactly how it’s supposed to.

I can move on with my life and dream about California after graduation (especially since it’s chilling down hardcore and I don’t like it).

I am feeling almost happy. I’m holding back because I’m scared of the crash that could happen if things go wrong. Again.

Dream boy:

• likes baseball/will watch and go to games with me
• likes music
• likes Ingrid Michaelson
• stays up late like me
• likes to read and/or write
• will watch weird movies with me
• likes Crazy Burger (my fave)
• has crazy hair (all boys I have ever had feelings for have crazy hair, it’s like a thing)
• won’t make fun of my shopping habits
• is silly to the max
• won’t mind me singing 24/7
• will watch Party Down and 30 Rock with me

At any other time, I believe you and I would be soul mates.

I just have a feeling.

And I’m sad to say I’m usually right.

But timing is everything, and one thing my life has is terrible timing. Terrible timing with wonderful people.

Recently, I have been feeling better about things.

I mean, it could be because I heard some “news” and shut down some of my feelings completely. It’s what I do so I don’t get hurt. And I’ve been spending a little bit more money than usual.

But that’s okay, because I have money saved for Chicago, I get paid tomorrow, and classes start Monday (Tuesday for me). I can’t wait. I’m taking mostly language classes, Italian and an Anthropological Linguistics class.

I’m trying not to care about my lame-o “situation,” not that there is one, because it barely exists. But still. I probably cared a little bit too much about it. Over analyzed every detail, thought about it frequently, and you might not have? I really don’t know because we never talked about it! But this is me finally letting go. After saying it a thousand times. I’m sorry, everyone about my stupid rambling of the incredibly vague happenings in my life.

Thank you for sticking around. I love all of you.

Ordering a cute cropped sweater and a blue studded strapless dress from UO…

for $22, shipping included. I am a great bargain shopper.